Failure

Failure... such a negative word. I have been quiet around here for a couple reasons. The main reason I think is that I have been trying to come to terms with failure. Recently I  was enrolled in a three year graduate program and it was testing every fiber of my being. Long story short... I failed. Failing in graduate school is a little different than failing in undergrad or high school. Failure in graduate school means making one C... I made 2. I was given the opportunity to extend my academic probation, essentially they were giving me a second third chance, but I didn't accept it. I dropped out of my program and have never felt more like a failure or completely out of control. I think God was breaking me, in a good way of course. I have always been a control freak. God is good all the time and I have only begun to see His goodness.

This past year I would say that I was about a 9.8 on a scale of 1-10, that being the unhappy and miserable scale. I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself. Then I remember that I am not in charge of my life and have slowly gotten over those selfish feelings. Ultimately I believe God was directing me to get out of the program and that He is going to guide me on a different path. This path is unknown and I have no idea what He wants me to do. I guess you could say this is where blind Faith comes in. I can admit I am not good at it... I, the control freak, am not comfortable without knowing the "plan". I think God wants me to be uncomfortable right now. He wants me to have faith and trust in Him. So, that is what I am doing. That is what I am going to try my hardest to do. I am taking the next 3 months to fully give my life and my plans to Him. His plans are greater than my own, this I know it is just so hard to always have that in my mind. 

Luckily I have the best support system. I have a fantastic family that is faithful and has taught me so much when it comes to trusting Him. 

I am praying that God opens my eyes to the path that I am supposed to take in this life. I am going to work hard to be happy and make my husband happy. I know I failed at doing this more days than not over the last year. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I think I multiplied that by about 4 hundred. 

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 28:11 

What I forgot to tell you

A video of the beautiful beach and water because why not? I was reading my recap of our honeymoon... basically I was trying to make myself believe I was back at the beach while sitting at my desk... at work and I noticed that I had left out some important and funny details of our honeymoon. 

What I forgot to tell you...

• We almost died on a taxi... no really we decided it would be smart to just pay $1 and ride the town taxi instead of a real taxi. I don't have a picture of what these look like, but just imagine a truck with bleacher seats in the truck bed. Yeah so, we got on and we were the only white people and I felt totally fine until this guy with a long jacket got on. He had his hands in his pockets and just looked sketchy. Everyone moved away from him and he was mumbling under his breath curse words and things like "I kill yo mother". I felt like we were in the Bad Boys 2 movie with Will Smith and that funny guy... Jamaican accent and everything. Needless to say we didn't get on a town taxi again after that experience. 
• My husband passed out at 6 pm on the third night of our honeymoon. One too many pain killers and shots from the bartender and the pool bar will get ya! I had to walk him back to the hotel and he quickly passed out on the end of the bed. I decided to shower and I was interrupted when I heard him hurling his insides out! He is just lucky he made it out onto the balcony and we had left over pizza from the night before. Can't wait to tell that story to our kids. 
• Speaking of Pain Killers... that is one of the USVI specialty drinks. I don't remember what all was in it, but after one I was feeling pretty good and Cam had 3 that day as well as other drinks. 
• It is mandatory that you listen to Kenny Chesney on repeat while visiting the islands... specifically his Life on a Rock cd :)