Failure

Failure... such a negative word. I have been quiet around here for a couple reasons. The main reason I think is that I have been trying to come to terms with failure. Recently I  was enrolled in a three year graduate program and it was testing every fiber of my being. Long story short... I failed. Failing in graduate school is a little different than failing in undergrad or high school. Failure in graduate school means making one C... I made 2. I was given the opportunity to extend my academic probation, essentially they were giving me a second third chance, but I didn't accept it. I dropped out of my program and have never felt more like a failure or completely out of control. I think God was breaking me, in a good way of course. I have always been a control freak. God is good all the time and I have only begun to see His goodness.

This past year I would say that I was about a 9.8 on a scale of 1-10, that being the unhappy and miserable scale. I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself. Then I remember that I am not in charge of my life and have slowly gotten over those selfish feelings. Ultimately I believe God was directing me to get out of the program and that He is going to guide me on a different path. This path is unknown and I have no idea what He wants me to do. I guess you could say this is where blind Faith comes in. I can admit I am not good at it... I, the control freak, am not comfortable without knowing the "plan". I think God wants me to be uncomfortable right now. He wants me to have faith and trust in Him. So, that is what I am doing. That is what I am going to try my hardest to do. I am taking the next 3 months to fully give my life and my plans to Him. His plans are greater than my own, this I know it is just so hard to always have that in my mind. 

Luckily I have the best support system. I have a fantastic family that is faithful and has taught me so much when it comes to trusting Him. 

I am praying that God opens my eyes to the path that I am supposed to take in this life. I am going to work hard to be happy and make my husband happy. I know I failed at doing this more days than not over the last year. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I think I multiplied that by about 4 hundred. 

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 28:11